| That Was An Interesting Shift |
[Nov. 27th, 2009|04:07 pm] |
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I started my shift this morning hanging upside down in a bin, and ended it watching a machine, apparently, suffering from transplant organ rejection. My job can be surprisingly weird sometimes. |
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| Embracing What I Fear The Most |
[Nov. 13th, 2009|07:53 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  tired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Akon - Beautiful | ] |
For much of my life, I have feared myself.
Since I was a child, I feared my anger, and rage. I know what it could drive me to do. I especially feared the primal, savage joy that I felt when I allowed anger to drive me to violence. So, I caged my anger. I chained my rage deep within the darkness of my mind, and my soul. Eventually, I learned to embrace my anger. I learned to let my rage drive me not to violence, but to push past my own limits.
Now, I am trying to learn to embrace another part of myself that I have tried, unsuccessfully, to bury. It will be a long, slow process, and I may need to ask for help. However, for a man who learned very young not to trust himself, its hard to learn to trust others. |
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| A Still Tongue Makes For A Happy LIfe |
[Nov. 5th, 2009|08:18 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  okay | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Cascada - Evacuate The Dancefloor | ] |
I want to help people. I want to help them live fuller, richer lives. I want to help them better understand their world. I want to help them to better communicate their ideas to others. I want to hep people share their lives with each other.
Those last two used to get me into a lot of trouble. Very often when people debate, I notice inconsistencies, and weaknesses in their logic, and arguments. I used to try to interject comments to help them strengthen their own arguments. Almost invariably these comments were seen as an attack. Eventually, I learned to simply watch, and say nothing.
This is difficult, and frustrating for me. I've grown into a leader. Any community, or group I join I want to contribute to. |
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| What Am I Doing And A Revelation |
[Oct. 18th, 2009|01:55 am] |
| [ | music |
| | I Begin to Wonder (Dead or Alive Edit) - Dannii Minogue | ] |
This week I started reading "Into the Kill Zone : A Cop's Eye View of Deadly Force", by David Klinger. I found this book while looking for material on mental preparation for combat. Specifically, I am looking for advise on how to prepare to take a life. There is a vast amount written about preparing to die in a fight, but very little about preparing to kill.
I had to stop and ask myself, "Why?" Why is it so important for me to be prepared to kill? When I train, I assume that one day I may be required to defend my life, or another's life. I strive to be in the best condition I can, and to hone my skills. When I train, I am very intense, and serious. (I actually have trouble training with people who are lacking in either intensity, seriousness, or both.)
However, at the same time, I realize there is little chance that I will truly face a life or death situation. When I was attacked by two drunks, I simply had to beat them up. Once they realized they had bitten off more than they could chew, they ran. The injuries inflicted in that fight were by no stretch of the imagination life threatening. Though, they were impressive looking. (*chuckles* I still chuckle remembering the reaction of people seeing my face the first time after the fight.) It is incredibly unlikely that I will ever be put into a situation where it is likely I will take someone's life, let alone necessary. Yet, preparing to take a life is still something i feel is important in my training.
I believe that this attitude in my training has affected my outlook on life. I certainly haven't become dour, and serious. However, it has changed my perspective, and thinking on what is truly important. I think keeping the idea of death in mind has also given me a deeper appreciation of how valuable life is. I am beginning to truly see each, and every living person as sacred, and special.
Each person lives a truly unique life, with thoughts, and experiences truly theirs alone. I once heard someone describe each death as an apocalypse. Each time a person dies, a world ends. That person's experience, and understanding of the world ends with them. No one will every experience, and understand the world in quite the same way ever again. That makes each, and every life sacred, and special to me.
To dismiss someone is to dismiss an entire world. To ignore them, push them aside, or demean them is the same as doing it to an entire world. To waste one's own life in sloth, gluttony, and hedonism, is to waste the potential of an entire world. Focusing solely on one's own desires, and preferences is to ignore the myriad of worlds around you. To fail to try to understand, and share in another's life, their ideas, and their viewpoints is to miss the chance to explore a new world. To see people doing this angers me. Deep in my soul I want to scream at them until they realize just what they're missing. |
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| You Decide |
[Oct. 16th, 2009|08:59 pm] |
I'm thinking of getting a pet. Originally, I had been considering a dog, or a cat. However, my schedule would not be good for a dog. I went to a pet store to ask the staff some questions, to get a better idea of what I should be thinking about while I made my choice.
The pet store I went to had a pair of rabbits available. I hadn't really considered getting a rabbit, but I found myself gravitating towards them. They didn't have any cats there, at the time. They have will have kittens on Tuesday.
I'm going to take a week to think about.
So, what do you think? A rabbit, or a cat? Your votes will decide!
Well, not really, the decision will be made through careful consideration of whether or not I can properly care for an animal. |
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| The Fourth Wall |
[Oct. 12th, 2009|05:50 am] |
Though I value solitude, and privacy, I also need to be part of a community. This is especially true for the spiritual aspects of my life. However, it has been literally years since I felt a part of any community.
Lately, I have found myself looking into various communities that I could join. However, I am very hesitant to join any of them.
I need a community with fairly specific attitudes. Most especially, they need to be tolerant, and open minded. I want a community that values learning, understanding, service, and self-improvement.
Though, I know I have said much of this before. Its just been on my mind a lot lately, and, I think, bares repeating. If for no other reason, than so I can keep it straight, and not let myself settle for less simply to try to find acceptance. |
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| That's 2 Hours of My LIfe I'm Never Getting Back |
[Oct. 11th, 2009|07:25 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  annoyed | ] |
I finally watched the most recent Star Trek movie, and I wish I had not.
Its like it was written by a moronic fan who only recognized one aspect of each of teh characters. It was two hours of watching caricatures of characters I'd enjoyed watching before. Had this been made as a spoof, or parody, this would have been a good thing. Since it was intended to 'relaunch', and 're-imagine' the series, it was just painful.
One final note, it was painfully obvious that Simon Pegg was playing Scotty. Again, had this been a parody, good, but for a serious version very, very bad. |
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| Just To Let People Know What's Up |
[Sep. 26th, 2009|04:46 am] |
| [ | music |
| | Gunther - I'm Your Man (Gunther) | ] |
Over the next month I will be rebuilding my gym training schedule. The month after that I will return to the dojo, and re-establish my full training routine.
Once again find myself considering working with Cadets Canada. I need to get my training routine properly established, and then see how much time I have for other pursuits. Fortunately, with no TV, its actually easier to find time for stuff.
Also, it looks like I may end up being better off staying where I am, rather than moving. I'm going to look into a few more options. However, it is starting to look like the apartment I have now is very cheap for a one-bedroom in York Region. I am almost tempted to rent a two bedroom apartment in Newmarket. Its slightly out of my target range, but still possibly affordable. |
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| The Fine Line Between Torture And Physical Fitness |
[Aug. 27th, 2009|10:51 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  amused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Gackt - Journey Through the Decade : Re-Mix RIDE 'Distort' | ] |
As part of my on going physical training, I have been trying to improve my nutrition. To this end, I have been looking more closely at nutritional supplements.
There's a store in Newmarket that has come highly recommended by several sources that I feel are trustworthy. One of the people who works at the store used to compete as a body builder. He's also served on the regional police force and helps to run a 'fitness boot camp'. (The money participants pay to get into the boot camp goes solely to pay for any facilities they use, with any extra going to local charities.) His work on the police force, and with the fitness boot camp actually impressed me more than his body building.
He gave me some advise about a nutritional supplement I had already been taking. he advise changing to a slightly different one. The change worked perfectly. It addressed a problem I had been having with my old supplement.
One his advise, I am adding a new supplement to my diet. I'll give it a try, and see how well it works out.
I have noticed one thing already, though. Each supplement I try tastes increasingly vile. The first one I used was fairly unpleasant, but its flavour could be masked by juice. The one I was advised to switch tastes worse, and needs a fair amount of fruit blended in to hide the taste.
The newest one smells like fish food, and has a taste as good as its smell. I am going to try it with juice, or something else to mask the flavour. Either that, or find a way to permanently erase my sense of taste before I try another supplement. ;)
On the other hand, this is strangely, helping to motivate me to work harder, and stay focused on my fitness goals.
It also seems that I have inspired at least two people I know to also work to improve their fitness.
That also help inspire me to work harder. If I am going to be an example to others, I want to be the best example I can be. |
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| Yay, me! |
[Aug. 20th, 2009|07:35 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  accomplished | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Gackt - Journey Through the Decade : Re-Mix RIDE 'Simphony' | ] |
I bought myself a new pair of pants today. The pants I bought were a waist size down from my old ones.
This is how I prefer to keep track of my weight loss.
Soon, I'll be ready for spandex!
Remember kids, spandex is a privilege, not a right! |
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| Yay! At Least For Awhile |
[Jul. 30th, 2009|12:32 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | tired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Dekaranger SWAT On | ] |
Starting Monday, I will be back on Midnight Shift. This puts me one step closer to getting back to the dojo for regular training. |
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| Just Some Stuff |
[Jul. 22nd, 2009|01:05 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | good | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Cascada - Evacuate the Dancefloor | ] |
Cirrus gave me an MP3 of a new song by Cascada titled, Evacuate the Dancefloor. Its a good song, but I couldn't help imagining a video for it featuring the zombies from Micheal Jackson's Thriller invading a dance club.
I've also decided that I will go for a Disney cruise for my vacation in 2011. |
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| Men Are Men |
[Jul. 20th, 2009|12:48 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | amused | ] |
Saturday night, I found a subtitled video of a live Japanese stage musical. Today, the same website had a subtitled bonus video. The video showed the actors backstage during rehearsal. They had a box of citric acid powder. The powder is supposed to be dissolved in a drink. Its supposed to help with fatigue by boosting energy.
Men being men, no matter what country they live in, or what they do for a living, what happens in the video is fairly predictable, but hilarious. They begin eating the powder raw, and challenging each other to eat more, and more of it. They also sucker unsuspecting victims by telling them the powder tastes good. |
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| Hmmm...This Is A Tough Call |
[Jul. 18th, 2009|09:27 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | amused | ] |
Spike TV has a series titled 'Deadliest Warrior'. In the series they run simulated battles between warriors form different ears,a nd cultures that have never actually faced each other on the battle field. They test the weapons, and equipment available to the warriors, and attempt to determine who would win.
Tonight I thought of an idea for an episode that would be almost impossible to predict. (It would also probably be the lamest episode ever.) Deadliest Warrior : Imperial Storm Troopers vs StarFleet Red Shirted Ensigns
One, can't hit the broad side of a barn, but the other would die as soon as they get hit. Who do you think will be the 'Deadliest Warrior'? |
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| Finalllllyy! |
[Jul. 10th, 2009|10:53 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | relieved | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Gackt - White Eyes | ] |
Work called yesterday to tell me that my layoff would last at least one more week.
Today, they called, and asked, rather apologetically, if I could work Afternoons, on the bending lines.
The bending lines are actually my favorite machines to run. Afternoon Shift is my least favorite shift, but it certainly beats the pants off the 'lay off' shift. |
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| Square Pegs, Round Holes |
[Jul. 8th, 2009|11:58 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | tired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Gackt - NINE SPIRAL | ] |
A friend and I are both going through something of a transition. I believe both of us are beginning to feel that we have out grown something. Though, in my case, I have felt for a long time that I had largely outgrown this thing. I believed that I could remain peripherally involved with it. However, I have to realize lately that even that much involvement might be too much for me.
I tend to view my life, and the various aspects of myself, as an intricate puzzle. The pieces change, and move, but not all at the same time, or same rate. I can, to a certain degree, direct these changes. Though, some of the changes I have little to no control over.
I strive always to create the me I want to be.
I have come to realize recently that there is one significant obstacle to creating the me I envision becoming. There is something in my life that I greatly enjoy, but at the same time, I find it distasteful. I find it distasteful because it, for a brief period, makes me something almost completely other than what I want to be.
I want to master myself. I want a degree of self-restraint, and self-control that I am not entirely certain is even possible. However, there is something that seems to almost completely strip my self control. It is insidious in the way it influences my choices, and actions. For brief periods it takes over almost completely. Other times, it acts as a more subtle influence.
It is, however, a natural, and important part of myself. I do enjoy it. It is only distasteful to me because I do not have complete control of it. Even my rage, something which has haunted me most of my life is under better control.
Now that I have written this post, hopefully, I will have gotten these thought out of my head, so I can sleep. |
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| I Think I Have A Brain Worm |
[Jul. 8th, 2009|09:16 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | amused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Gomez - See The World | ] |
An ear worm is a song that you just can't get out of your head. So, would someone's advise that you just can't get out of your head be a brain worm?
Its been months since I have been able to train at my dojo. However, my Sensei's advise about nutrition only seems to be taking a stronger hold. For a long time, I have been careful about buying too much junk food. Actually, there are certain types of junk food, I simply no longer buy, like chocolate bars, and stuff.
Today, I went to go buy some peeled baby carrots for my salads. I also planned to buy some popcorn, cookies, or chips.
Instead, I bought a big bag of unpeeled carrots. I'm going to use some in my salads, and snack on the rest. It cost slightly more than I would have spent on the baby carrots, but I got a lot more. Plus, they will probably stay fresher longer.
I also have my car back. The repairs cost much less than I had expected. I still have to pay my Dad back, but it will be a lot easier. |
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| Not A Lazy Day |
[Jul. 7th, 2009|08:55 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | accomplished | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Fight For Justice from Kamen Rider Kiva | ] |
I ended up spending about 2 hours pulling thistles out of a Church garden today. I was helping out my Dad. This was partly to repay him for fixing my car, and partly because I was bored.
The garden desperately needed it. The thistles were so large that at first glace, I thought they were part of the garden's plan. My Dad and I radically reshaped one of the flower beds. When we started it was roughly triangular, with the ground as the base of the triangle. When we finished the garden more resembled a low rectangle.
After that, I headed over to my dad's place, and did my laundry.
I didn't get out for my daily walk/jog today, but I will be doing some push ups, sit ups, and squats later. I have gotten back into the habit of doing those in the morning, and at night. My original goal was to go for 50 of each when I do them. I have decided instead to go for 100 of each when I do them. It will take a couple of months, at least, to reach that point. |
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